Transformation

Transformation is a big word for me to wrap my head around. I keep reading the bible and somehow I feel like I'm overlooking everything just in the haste of trying to accomplish my reading goals. We discipline ourselves to read the word and pray each day, but discipline implies that the subject itself is something that we'd rather not do. For instance we discipline ourselves to get up out of bed each day and clean ourselves and feed ourselves and get ourselves to work or school and do chores so that we can maintain our lives. But discipline is just the tool by which we accomplish the goal; its not the goal itself (Pastor Joe). The goal should be that we are so in LOVE with the word that we can't get enough of it. It should be that we LOVE God's presence so much that we never want to leave it. Many times, this isn't the case and that's when we use discipline to pull us through spiritually dry seasons or seasons of complacence.

However, after these seasons are over we start to confuse discipline and desire. I am starting to realize that I have been disciplining myself rather than really desiring to hunger and thirst for God's word and his presence. In this way I started to accumulate knowledge without really using any of it. I felt like I was walking around in circles unable to really get anywhere. Lately I've realized that I know more about God than many people my age in America now a days but I don't know God as much as my 4 year old cousin. The word that the Israelites used for the word "to know" is "yada" and that word means much more than the ability to understand or comprehend. It is an experiential sort of knowing which is attained through an intimate relationship. And all the while I can't help but wonder where that old me went that was so fearless and so hungry for revival and just for God. I was crazy for God. There were times when I felt like I was going to pass out because I would jump up and down in worship and sweat after fasting and praying all day and I would wake up early in the morning and beg people for rides so I could make it to morning prayer.

My favorite pastor was my old high school pastor. Every sermon he gave was different, but the main point was always Jesus. Seems pretty basic, but I've sat through many sermons where Jesus was just a footnote or the means to accomplish something. I go through so many ups and downs as everyone else does, but right now what I want more than anything is just Jesus. I just want his presence. I just want to yada his grace, love, joy, faithfulness, peace, patience, character.

Reading one sentence of the bible and applying it in my life would be more worth it to me than memorizing that entire book and still not knowing what its saying. I definitely need to come back to square one. The bible says "return to your first love and do what you did at first"