Today was a good day (:

This summer I felt so spiritually dry and unhappy because I was so distant from God and as time progressed I started to understand why. I was being proud, self-glorifying, and lazy in my faith. I was struggling with something that I couldn't tell anyone about and trying to live and move without God's guidance. After that point I realized what I had been doing wrong, but I didn't know how to start getting better so I was stuck in my own poo, so to speak. However, after that season, I now believe I'm entering a new season of change. In summer I was stuck because I didn't drive and I didn't have any opportunities to show that I could change so I was in a slump, but I have recently been refreshed with a new school year and new insight.

I started watching Pastor Mike Bickle's series on the Song of Solomon and the biggest thing I got out of it is the fact that God calls us beautiful. Before we are even made into our heavenly bodies, he calls us beautiful because of Jesus. He said that we feel so dirty sometimes that we can't bring ourselves to approach God, even though He says that nothing can separate us from His love. We think to ourselves that we will return once we've cleaned up every mess in our lives, or once we make ourselves "presentable", and we fail because we do not possess the strength to overcome struggles on our own. I definitely struggle with that and I started shaking my fist at Him saying "God, you promised that in you there is freedom, but nothing's changing." And I realized that God is so good and He is so wise that He has such a bigger plan than just zapping all our troubles away. I felt this in my heart: He will not allow me to gain freedom without Him. He is a God and a daddy that keeps His word, but only by His means, and only to His ends. Through these struggles He's going to teach me that without Him and without the church I can do nothing. But in Him and with the church I can do all things.

One Sunday, the message was about encouragement and Pastor Guy said to "look for the gold in people" and afterward he told us to pray for the person next to us and ask God for "gold". The person next to me was Christian of course and I think he prophesied over someone for the very first time, and God told him that I have a huge heart for children. I had always believed this but was discouraged because my little angel Noah Johnson has been acting out and throwing tantrums and I didn't know how to respond, but he encouraged me to volunteer in children's ministry.

Last Sunday, Pastor Guy asked the congregation to raise our hands if we needed a job and I rose my hand. We all prayed and one or two days later I emailed about a job opportunity for Gymboree play & learn which is a facility that offers classes for children's growth and development. The next day they emailed me back and asked if I was available for a group interview. God answered my prayer! I attended the group interview today and it was amazing! I didn't have to lie or be fake anything because I felt so comfortable doing all of the activities the interviewer had us do. She said we would hear back in a week or two but about an hour later they called me to come to a second interview! A short time later the head of the children's department at church called to see if I could volunteer Sunday with no training whatsoever, she hadn't even reviewed my application yet, and she volunteered to be one of my references! God opened both of these doors to me today and I was filled with joy because he strengthened my faith through His faithfulness.

After this, I laid in bed for hours because I had been losing sleep from school. When I started getting up I started thanking God and I felt him saying that He put the desires in my heart because its His desire for me to pursue them. And if He desires me to do this, of course He will make a way for me to do it, but He won't do it the way I want it to be done. Again I realized that He does things on his terms, by his means, and only for his glory because. I had been so discouraged because I never had a chance at any job I applied for, but it was because God wanted so much more for me than I thought myself capable. The first door He opened was the perfect one for me and tomorrow is the second interview. I don't know if I'll make it or not, but it doesn't matter if I get the job or not because God is good and he is faithful and if he closes this door, he'll open another one but only if I listen to his voice, obey, and do it for his glory.