Dreams

I dream.

I dream of a day where people will be blind to the barriers. of race, of gender, of social status and status quo. Where people will turn their faces from the wicked acts which they so crave, and from the selfish longings of the soul. I dream of a day where all of the people turn to God. I dream of a day where I won't have to research and write papers on an ancient laptop that constantly falls. I dream of the day when people don't steal my bicycle seat, the day when I don't have to worry about having coins enough to get to where I'm going. I long for a day where I don't have to be afraid to walk home at night, or hear someone screaming in the alley, or be lulled to sleep with sirens buzzing in the air. I dream of a day where I won't have to come home and be a guardian to my sister or help my grandmother or be guilted into eating one of my father's culinary concoctions. I dream of a day where Fed Ex doesn't lose my packages. I dream of a day where the counceling office at school has someone open the door for you when they schedule an appointment for you. I dream of a day where my manager doesn't barge into my home with her disgusting rants of everything imaginable. I dream of a day where instead of everyone needing me and asking me to sacrifice my time and effort and comfort, people will help me when I need it. I dream of a day where I can dream safely on a bed that isn't broken or old in a house where I finally feel like I'm home. And instead of me doing everything for everyone else. Everyone is doing things for me. A house that's white and yellow with a big wide porch to sit down and drink cold ice tea on hot summer evenings. With big windows and pretty curtains and flowers everywhere. A spice garden in the backyard and a lemon tree. And a dog. And a husband that loves me and children that know they are loved. Till that day, I dream.

Jesus is so cool

I've been having dreams and odd happenings. Its weird that I've been hearing God so often in my heart as spiritually dry I've been. I feel like I'm wandering through the wilderness looking for something, but I don't know what.

The first dream, was a dream about me walking alone in a dark place and I just wanted to get to where I was going, but every time I took a step a giant, ferocious, twilight-looking wolf crossed my path and was snarling at me about to pounce. But I declared in the name of Jesus that it had no authority over me and that it could not touch me and threaten as it did, it did not touch me. This repeated several times, but I reacted the same way and the wolves didn't touch me. I woke up in a half sleep with God telling me that each wolf represented a trial or fear that I was going to overcome.

The Second dream was a dream about me going to a restaurant to see Christian's friend but when I got there, a raccoon started attacking me. All of a sudden Yukari came and started calming the raccoon down and taming it, but when she left it started attacking me again, and I hated it. I felt like this meant that my faith was so weak right now that I couldn't handle anything. Anything that happened was going to shake me up and I wouldn't know how to deal with it, I would just feel attacked and freak out.

I started praying the other day and I feel my heart being lead to a path toward helping children. i don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I feel that that's where I'm headed. I have a firm belief that my job was given to me by God, not because I was deserving of it, but by his grace. It suits me in every way and I felt like God was saying that he has blessed me with these talents for his glory. I remember in 10"40 the movie, they talk about God shifting the wealth from the wicked to the righteous. After sponsoring a child through World Vision, as I was praying I felt while I was praying that I have a unique opportunity to transfer the wealth of the children I work with who's parents have plenty, to the children who have nothing and sometimes no parents at all.

Transformation

Transformation is a big word for me to wrap my head around. I keep reading the bible and somehow I feel like I'm overlooking everything just in the haste of trying to accomplish my reading goals. We discipline ourselves to read the word and pray each day, but discipline implies that the subject itself is something that we'd rather not do. For instance we discipline ourselves to get up out of bed each day and clean ourselves and feed ourselves and get ourselves to work or school and do chores so that we can maintain our lives. But discipline is just the tool by which we accomplish the goal; its not the goal itself (Pastor Joe). The goal should be that we are so in LOVE with the word that we can't get enough of it. It should be that we LOVE God's presence so much that we never want to leave it. Many times, this isn't the case and that's when we use discipline to pull us through spiritually dry seasons or seasons of complacence.

However, after these seasons are over we start to confuse discipline and desire. I am starting to realize that I have been disciplining myself rather than really desiring to hunger and thirst for God's word and his presence. In this way I started to accumulate knowledge without really using any of it. I felt like I was walking around in circles unable to really get anywhere. Lately I've realized that I know more about God than many people my age in America now a days but I don't know God as much as my 4 year old cousin. The word that the Israelites used for the word "to know" is "yada" and that word means much more than the ability to understand or comprehend. It is an experiential sort of knowing which is attained through an intimate relationship. And all the while I can't help but wonder where that old me went that was so fearless and so hungry for revival and just for God. I was crazy for God. There were times when I felt like I was going to pass out because I would jump up and down in worship and sweat after fasting and praying all day and I would wake up early in the morning and beg people for rides so I could make it to morning prayer.

My favorite pastor was my old high school pastor. Every sermon he gave was different, but the main point was always Jesus. Seems pretty basic, but I've sat through many sermons where Jesus was just a footnote or the means to accomplish something. I go through so many ups and downs as everyone else does, but right now what I want more than anything is just Jesus. I just want his presence. I just want to yada his grace, love, joy, faithfulness, peace, patience, character.

Reading one sentence of the bible and applying it in my life would be more worth it to me than memorizing that entire book and still not knowing what its saying. I definitely need to come back to square one. The bible says "return to your first love and do what you did at first"

Seeing me the way God sees me

Acts chapter 10:1-48 describes a vision that God shows Peter concerning the Gentiles. He sees the animals that were "unclean" to eat and God says "Get up, Peter. Kill and eat (13)." After Peter protests he says, "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean (15)." Later Peter relates this vision to the gentiles by clarifying "But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean. So when I was sent for, I came without raising any objection (28)."

Apparently, it was wrong for Jews and Gentiles to speak, meet, or have any sort of association in this time period, an attitude that is assumed to have transferred to the early church. But God is faithful and reveals to Peter that he has opened up salvation to all of the world. Pastor Guy used this story to relate to us that often times there is a different sort of condemnation due to impurity that is prevalent among the church currently. The feeling that one's self is impure or unclean due to habitual sins or the "severity" of the sin. He raised this important question. If its not okay to call someone else "impure" or "unclean" or "unholy" why is it okay to call ourselves those things?

Sin is given way too much credit in my life because I let it become a much bigger deal than it is. I beat myself up repeatedly for the same wrong things I've done in my life or my inadequacy of overcoming my struggles. But when we do this, we look at Jesus who was mocked, tortured and killed for us and it means that that wasn't enough. But it really was enough. When he says it was enough it really was, when he says "It is finished!" it really is, and when he says "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean" seriously don't call yourself impure because God has made you clean through Jesus.

After service, he told us to tell our neighbor, "Did you know that I'm awesome?" and "Did you know that I'm Holy?" (because of Jesus). and I couldn't say these phrases without feeling like a liar. Because honestly, at this point in my life, I don't really believe them. And I feel like that's the wrong attitude, because then I'm letting the enemy guilt me into forfeiting my identity. I need to start seeing myself the way God sees me so that I can be free. Sins are bad and God hates sin, but his grace is SO much bigger. Its SO much greater. So we need to have a greater goal than to just stop sinning. Instead of being so focused on the sin, we need to fix our gaze on the savior.

Today was a good day (:

This summer I felt so spiritually dry and unhappy because I was so distant from God and as time progressed I started to understand why. I was being proud, self-glorifying, and lazy in my faith. I was struggling with something that I couldn't tell anyone about and trying to live and move without God's guidance. After that point I realized what I had been doing wrong, but I didn't know how to start getting better so I was stuck in my own poo, so to speak. However, after that season, I now believe I'm entering a new season of change. In summer I was stuck because I didn't drive and I didn't have any opportunities to show that I could change so I was in a slump, but I have recently been refreshed with a new school year and new insight.

I started watching Pastor Mike Bickle's series on the Song of Solomon and the biggest thing I got out of it is the fact that God calls us beautiful. Before we are even made into our heavenly bodies, he calls us beautiful because of Jesus. He said that we feel so dirty sometimes that we can't bring ourselves to approach God, even though He says that nothing can separate us from His love. We think to ourselves that we will return once we've cleaned up every mess in our lives, or once we make ourselves "presentable", and we fail because we do not possess the strength to overcome struggles on our own. I definitely struggle with that and I started shaking my fist at Him saying "God, you promised that in you there is freedom, but nothing's changing." And I realized that God is so good and He is so wise that He has such a bigger plan than just zapping all our troubles away. I felt this in my heart: He will not allow me to gain freedom without Him. He is a God and a daddy that keeps His word, but only by His means, and only to His ends. Through these struggles He's going to teach me that without Him and without the church I can do nothing. But in Him and with the church I can do all things.

One Sunday, the message was about encouragement and Pastor Guy said to "look for the gold in people" and afterward he told us to pray for the person next to us and ask God for "gold". The person next to me was Christian of course and I think he prophesied over someone for the very first time, and God told him that I have a huge heart for children. I had always believed this but was discouraged because my little angel Noah Johnson has been acting out and throwing tantrums and I didn't know how to respond, but he encouraged me to volunteer in children's ministry.

Last Sunday, Pastor Guy asked the congregation to raise our hands if we needed a job and I rose my hand. We all prayed and one or two days later I emailed about a job opportunity for Gymboree play & learn which is a facility that offers classes for children's growth and development. The next day they emailed me back and asked if I was available for a group interview. God answered my prayer! I attended the group interview today and it was amazing! I didn't have to lie or be fake anything because I felt so comfortable doing all of the activities the interviewer had us do. She said we would hear back in a week or two but about an hour later they called me to come to a second interview! A short time later the head of the children's department at church called to see if I could volunteer Sunday with no training whatsoever, she hadn't even reviewed my application yet, and she volunteered to be one of my references! God opened both of these doors to me today and I was filled with joy because he strengthened my faith through His faithfulness.

After this, I laid in bed for hours because I had been losing sleep from school. When I started getting up I started thanking God and I felt him saying that He put the desires in my heart because its His desire for me to pursue them. And if He desires me to do this, of course He will make a way for me to do it, but He won't do it the way I want it to be done. Again I realized that He does things on his terms, by his means, and only for his glory because. I had been so discouraged because I never had a chance at any job I applied for, but it was because God wanted so much more for me than I thought myself capable. The first door He opened was the perfect one for me and tomorrow is the second interview. I don't know if I'll make it or not, but it doesn't matter if I get the job or not because God is good and he is faithful and if he closes this door, he'll open another one but only if I listen to his voice, obey, and do it for his glory.

Lately

I haven't really been doing much of anything. While everyone else is busier than ever, I've just been at home wasting my life away like Repunzel wondering when my life will begin. I haven't blogged in a long time, mostly because I know that little to no one will ever read this but my old teacher got me back in simply because I need an outlet just to vent. This summer I spent my time doing the things that i'd normally do, but i feel so empty. i definitely need more Jesus. and i've been wanting to speak words of encouragement to my fellow classmates for a while now, but i need to get myself straight first. and I realize that i'm starting to lose self- control in my life. With the decisions that i make and the responsibilities that i hold (as if i ever had any) xD but for some reason its hard for me to find my way back. and one intense (real life) dog fight got me to understand that i am still afraid of what will become of my physical body. I am still afraid of pain. Which normal people usually are. However noble people will usually overlook that pain for something that matters much more, and i'm not there yet. i wish i was.

Today

Sux.