Honestly...

Honestly, I really love blogging. I loved Xanga, Myspace blogs, tumblrs, facebook blogs, EVERYTHING. I love writing and I have this thirst to make a small dent in this world or be heard or make a difference, but I understand that I'm not very gifted or talented at anything. I know that this sounds emo and it makes me seem like I have really low self-esteem(which is probably a little true) but it's actually a very freeing concept. The pressure's off, and I read Ecclasseastes and I realize that life is meaningless, I'm still going to enjoy it for what its worth, but what is it truly worth, you know? and what makes it worth while? That's what I'm trying to search out for myself at the moment. Writing is a mode of keeping track and commenting for my own behalf and benefit so I can just keep pressing on and its great for what its worth: expressing myself, keeping my sanity a little, recording my thoughts that may prove important or what not, but I decided that it may possibly not be my career choice and I've made peace with it, accepted it, and I'm trying to move on.

So I look at other things, cause you know as a senior in high school all I can see in front of me is what school I'm going to go to, what I'm going to major in, my career path and how i'm going to get there, but I see it all from a different angle. From my perspective, I'm simultaneously trying to juggle being a full time student, with being a full time servant of God and it's the hardest thing ever. Can you imagine, if God showed you everything that was going to happen in your life in one day? I think about the day that I was saved and I can just imagine myself being told how difficult this walk actually is, how painful, miserable, and strenuous it gets. All the suffering I would endure for Jesus, and even the unneccisary pain for trying to go back to my old life. I would've probably been really emo for the rest of my life and maybe it would've made me wake up because it would show that there's nothing good worth living for anyway, but then I think about all the things that ran through my mind that night. How real God is, and how much I've missed and misunderstood, but mostly I was overwhelmed by God's love and for the first time I felt like I wanted to spend my life with Jesus and for Jesus. That's the important part I think, and it makes sense backwards but not chronologically because technically I was so devoted but I had no idea what I was getting myself into and it was the best decision i'd ever made although I would find out what it costs, and yet I would never regret it.

So I wonder what area of study or what field of work is truly worth spending my time, effort, and eventually my life for. I know that God has put these interests in my heart for a reason and I have all of these hopes and ambitions that I would like to see to fruition but some dreams I feel will always be dreams and nothing more. I know that it doesn't really matter what I do as long as I glorify God with everything that I do, and that's not really the part that concerns me but its just the reality that my whole life will pass me by in a blink and I feel like I'll have wasted it away on nonsensicle chasings after the wind. That's the whole issue though, that I won't be able to see it till I'm at the end.

Writers have the advantage in writing a story because they can see it as a whole and as a big picture. Nobody wants a simple plot that will be cliche and predictable because its not interesting or entertaining or even realistic. Although life may seem boring or tedious at times, in the scheme of things every life is extraordinary because within the amounts of breaths that you take there is so much that happens. So much to experience and learn and feel, yet to the characters in the story life is hard. Just as a maze is easier to figure out if you go from end to beginning, life in someways would be simpler that way too. But that's not how it works for us; we get the clues, the foreshadowing, the choices, and the forks in the road and we're never certain about the way we're going but its clear that we have direction and we get life in pieces so we won't screw everything up and it is good.

So I'm at the crossroads yet what do I do?
I really want my life to change but my flesh, my fears, my self-consciousness, my pride, myself gets in the way and it holds me back when I know that I was made for so much more.