JESSICAAA!!

hehehe I love ur blog. and u jacked my cloud background >:[ but i forgive you.
my internet's down at my house so I'll try to use a different computer to get to u for now.
and I have pictures of my jackolantern/daughter Evangeline
and other stuff on Christian's phone so I'll tell him to email it to me
so I can show u xD hahaha how exciting
I feel like I'm on xanga again.
Lol sorry that my first few posts were really strange.
I don't think they'll get any normaler.
Lol i started this blog cause Tracy told me to ahha
I miss all the people that I used to follow on here. They all ditched me for tumblr but whatever
anyways. This week and month and everything is SO hectic urgh :[
have to finish making UP costumes by friday and stuff and finish all my school stuff
I think I have dentist this weekend BLEH :[
and I'm failing as New Life President :[ haha but i Know it'll be okay
cause Jesus is gonna be there so we'll be fine.
and I've been trying to draw closer to God lately
and I've been reading this awesome book OMG I need to tell u all about it
hahaha this post is all over the place huh?
I need to find my camera charger so I can show u
my life! Plus I am so unspirited and bad. Except i'm still doing all
my hw. JUST FOR U. haha jk I don't even know why I'm
doing it all. But love you!!
this post is also written in Horita's first period. xD ahaha!
BAD BAD TA

Grilled Cheesus

The episode of Glee called Grilled Cheesus really upset me at first because like most other popular shows, it seemingly viewed Christianity in a negative light. But once I got past how weird the songs were and the depressing stories of Coach Silvester and Kurt, it raised a lot of questions in me that I'm still figuring out. But its good to have to think about them. Now I'm in high school and I have friends that are gay and i'll never understand where Sue's coming from but their stories show the pain and bitterness that a lot of people have for God. I mean, the worst part was realizing that this is really how people feel. We need a change. This world needs some love. but it really touched me that Sue's sister said "God never makes mistakes." that was so powerful. I don't know, I guess the reason I bother posting this is because I love Glee so much and it was painful to see them just all running around like sheep without a shepherd. Even the people that kind of knew what was up like Miss Pilsbury and Mr. Shou didn't explain things clearly cause I don't think they've figured it out. Especially when Finn ended the episode so hurt almost feeling betrayed because he was decieved into believing the grilled cheese had magical powers. But I guess I'm going to give Glee another chance, and give all things a second look before I close myself off to what its all about.

Today

Was pretty good (:
i refuse to believe in "bad days" because no entire day can be filled with bad things every moment. Bad things happen, but I guarantee I can name way more things that were good enough to get through it. And I firmly believe that, but I still think my weekend was pretty lame :/ But i'm gonna look at the glass as half full and be happy :]

Reasons to Smile:
-Having Jesus because he's AWESOME (literally hehe) & he is love & he is everything to me
-knowing who my parents are. I know my dad can't say that.
-having a lot of people in my family
-assurance of a place to stay, a warm bed, and 3 meals a day
-people that love me for who I am
-freedom from what people think of me (for the most part)
-all of my arms and legs intact
-mental health
-the ability to juggle
-living with my cousins Noah and Aaron whom I adore
-being a "nuna"
-enough credits to graduate
-a clean record
-a relatively healthy body
-the best hat collection ever
-not having any allergies or asthma
-charisma
-being told that I am charming and unique by my peers
-singing in a choir
-singing ALL day
-prancing around
-feeding people
-"making art you can smell, music you can taste." - ratatouille
-knowing what love is
-having a sister that looks like me but is my opposite
-a best friend that is just as manly as me ;]
-when people remember my birthday
-when people tell me that I'm strong
-a well written greeting card
-worshiping Jesus like there's no tomorrow
-puzzles
-making someone's day (:
-making a difference in someone's life
-having my life flipped upside down
-eating cereal for dinner
-my grandmother telling me that my cookies are bomb diggity
-my grandmother smiling
-my cousin telling me that I handled myself well
-bringing flowers to new mothers every other weekend
-holding someone's bag of pee
-holding hands
-knowing my way around disneyland
-living for someone else
-making hard life decisions way beyond my maturity level
-crying a LOT and feeling all better and really lightheaded like i'm gonna float off into space
-being on stage
-finding four leaf clovers
-watching a kitten being born
-going to an opera and falling asleep
-old disney channel shows like Hey Arnold! and Doug
-having a red guitar
-the sky in Mexico
-picking up rocks for 2 whole days
-corsages
-picnics
-when someone surprises you and is actually a really great person inside
-my father's life
-running in the rain barefoot
-having cornrows
-que pictures on the back of your phone
-perfect strawberries
-friends that know what your saying when you talk with your mouth full and you just murmur unintelligibly
-never getting tired of watching Hercules
-when people hug me and I don't feel uncomfortable
-Christian's moldy lemon eyes
-chuck norris jokes
-the smell of rain
-when the sun is setting and the sky turns pink
-a circular rainbow around the sun
-the Glee episode "wheels"
-having hope
-knowing for certain where i'm going
-thinking about what God is doing
-jamming until you lose you voice
-living in the moment
-watching clouds and rolling down a hill
-naming fishes Atticus
-riding a bike
-not being addicted to Facebook
-a 3 year old boy that shouts your name every time he gets home whether you're there or not.
-a 3 year old boy that waits patiently in your room till you wake up fully
-using weird and outdated lingo and slang
-playing red light green light
-knowing what requited love feels like
-my mom telling me ghost stories about our house
-being able to fill someone's needs
-giving my favorite dress away
-being strong enough to do what I have to do
-learning the hard way
-learning the easy way
-someone who always picks up when you call
-a definite answer
-mole's willingness to be there for me
-sara's walls covered in collages that always change
-being given flowers from someone you love
-learning how to swim
-loving someone more than yourself
-yukari's perspective on life
-how christie LOVES everything
-a teacher that I know I can trust
-being spoiled by amazing mentors
-pruning
-making snow angels
-learning to be patient
-loving the unlovable
-being a loser
-when people treat you like family
-the sincerity of a child
-building a heart out of legos
-telling my mom i love her via bear
-playing checkers
-winning
-losing
-living life
-learning
-failing
-overcoming
-someone telling you its all gonna be alright and believing them
-realizing that you're gonna live
-realizing that life's worthwhile
-(infinity symbol would go here)




hahaha and the list goes on and on and on
because for every bad thing that happens there are an infinant amount of great things that happen.
just being alive, being young, the ability to breathe, and that the structure of our bodies don't cause us pain are like pretty amazing. and so is the God that made it all (: <3

Honestly...

Honestly, I really love blogging. I loved Xanga, Myspace blogs, tumblrs, facebook blogs, EVERYTHING. I love writing and I have this thirst to make a small dent in this world or be heard or make a difference, but I understand that I'm not very gifted or talented at anything. I know that this sounds emo and it makes me seem like I have really low self-esteem(which is probably a little true) but it's actually a very freeing concept. The pressure's off, and I read Ecclasseastes and I realize that life is meaningless, I'm still going to enjoy it for what its worth, but what is it truly worth, you know? and what makes it worth while? That's what I'm trying to search out for myself at the moment. Writing is a mode of keeping track and commenting for my own behalf and benefit so I can just keep pressing on and its great for what its worth: expressing myself, keeping my sanity a little, recording my thoughts that may prove important or what not, but I decided that it may possibly not be my career choice and I've made peace with it, accepted it, and I'm trying to move on.

So I look at other things, cause you know as a senior in high school all I can see in front of me is what school I'm going to go to, what I'm going to major in, my career path and how i'm going to get there, but I see it all from a different angle. From my perspective, I'm simultaneously trying to juggle being a full time student, with being a full time servant of God and it's the hardest thing ever. Can you imagine, if God showed you everything that was going to happen in your life in one day? I think about the day that I was saved and I can just imagine myself being told how difficult this walk actually is, how painful, miserable, and strenuous it gets. All the suffering I would endure for Jesus, and even the unneccisary pain for trying to go back to my old life. I would've probably been really emo for the rest of my life and maybe it would've made me wake up because it would show that there's nothing good worth living for anyway, but then I think about all the things that ran through my mind that night. How real God is, and how much I've missed and misunderstood, but mostly I was overwhelmed by God's love and for the first time I felt like I wanted to spend my life with Jesus and for Jesus. That's the important part I think, and it makes sense backwards but not chronologically because technically I was so devoted but I had no idea what I was getting myself into and it was the best decision i'd ever made although I would find out what it costs, and yet I would never regret it.

So I wonder what area of study or what field of work is truly worth spending my time, effort, and eventually my life for. I know that God has put these interests in my heart for a reason and I have all of these hopes and ambitions that I would like to see to fruition but some dreams I feel will always be dreams and nothing more. I know that it doesn't really matter what I do as long as I glorify God with everything that I do, and that's not really the part that concerns me but its just the reality that my whole life will pass me by in a blink and I feel like I'll have wasted it away on nonsensicle chasings after the wind. That's the whole issue though, that I won't be able to see it till I'm at the end.

Writers have the advantage in writing a story because they can see it as a whole and as a big picture. Nobody wants a simple plot that will be cliche and predictable because its not interesting or entertaining or even realistic. Although life may seem boring or tedious at times, in the scheme of things every life is extraordinary because within the amounts of breaths that you take there is so much that happens. So much to experience and learn and feel, yet to the characters in the story life is hard. Just as a maze is easier to figure out if you go from end to beginning, life in someways would be simpler that way too. But that's not how it works for us; we get the clues, the foreshadowing, the choices, and the forks in the road and we're never certain about the way we're going but its clear that we have direction and we get life in pieces so we won't screw everything up and it is good.

So I'm at the crossroads yet what do I do?
I really want my life to change but my flesh, my fears, my self-consciousness, my pride, myself gets in the way and it holds me back when I know that I was made for so much more.