Dreams

I dream.

I dream of a day where people will be blind to the barriers. of race, of gender, of social status and status quo. Where people will turn their faces from the wicked acts which they so crave, and from the selfish longings of the soul. I dream of a day where all of the people turn to God. I dream of a day where I won't have to research and write papers on an ancient laptop that constantly falls. I dream of the day when people don't steal my bicycle seat, the day when I don't have to worry about having coins enough to get to where I'm going. I long for a day where I don't have to be afraid to walk home at night, or hear someone screaming in the alley, or be lulled to sleep with sirens buzzing in the air. I dream of a day where I won't have to come home and be a guardian to my sister or help my grandmother or be guilted into eating one of my father's culinary concoctions. I dream of a day where Fed Ex doesn't lose my packages. I dream of a day where the counceling office at school has someone open the door for you when they schedule an appointment for you. I dream of a day where my manager doesn't barge into my home with her disgusting rants of everything imaginable. I dream of a day where instead of everyone needing me and asking me to sacrifice my time and effort and comfort, people will help me when I need it. I dream of a day where I can dream safely on a bed that isn't broken or old in a house where I finally feel like I'm home. And instead of me doing everything for everyone else. Everyone is doing things for me. A house that's white and yellow with a big wide porch to sit down and drink cold ice tea on hot summer evenings. With big windows and pretty curtains and flowers everywhere. A spice garden in the backyard and a lemon tree. And a dog. And a husband that loves me and children that know they are loved. Till that day, I dream.

Jesus is so cool

I've been having dreams and odd happenings. Its weird that I've been hearing God so often in my heart as spiritually dry I've been. I feel like I'm wandering through the wilderness looking for something, but I don't know what.

The first dream, was a dream about me walking alone in a dark place and I just wanted to get to where I was going, but every time I took a step a giant, ferocious, twilight-looking wolf crossed my path and was snarling at me about to pounce. But I declared in the name of Jesus that it had no authority over me and that it could not touch me and threaten as it did, it did not touch me. This repeated several times, but I reacted the same way and the wolves didn't touch me. I woke up in a half sleep with God telling me that each wolf represented a trial or fear that I was going to overcome.

The Second dream was a dream about me going to a restaurant to see Christian's friend but when I got there, a raccoon started attacking me. All of a sudden Yukari came and started calming the raccoon down and taming it, but when she left it started attacking me again, and I hated it. I felt like this meant that my faith was so weak right now that I couldn't handle anything. Anything that happened was going to shake me up and I wouldn't know how to deal with it, I would just feel attacked and freak out.

I started praying the other day and I feel my heart being lead to a path toward helping children. i don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I feel that that's where I'm headed. I have a firm belief that my job was given to me by God, not because I was deserving of it, but by his grace. It suits me in every way and I felt like God was saying that he has blessed me with these talents for his glory. I remember in 10"40 the movie, they talk about God shifting the wealth from the wicked to the righteous. After sponsoring a child through World Vision, as I was praying I felt while I was praying that I have a unique opportunity to transfer the wealth of the children I work with who's parents have plenty, to the children who have nothing and sometimes no parents at all.

Transformation

Transformation is a big word for me to wrap my head around. I keep reading the bible and somehow I feel like I'm overlooking everything just in the haste of trying to accomplish my reading goals. We discipline ourselves to read the word and pray each day, but discipline implies that the subject itself is something that we'd rather not do. For instance we discipline ourselves to get up out of bed each day and clean ourselves and feed ourselves and get ourselves to work or school and do chores so that we can maintain our lives. But discipline is just the tool by which we accomplish the goal; its not the goal itself (Pastor Joe). The goal should be that we are so in LOVE with the word that we can't get enough of it. It should be that we LOVE God's presence so much that we never want to leave it. Many times, this isn't the case and that's when we use discipline to pull us through spiritually dry seasons or seasons of complacence.

However, after these seasons are over we start to confuse discipline and desire. I am starting to realize that I have been disciplining myself rather than really desiring to hunger and thirst for God's word and his presence. In this way I started to accumulate knowledge without really using any of it. I felt like I was walking around in circles unable to really get anywhere. Lately I've realized that I know more about God than many people my age in America now a days but I don't know God as much as my 4 year old cousin. The word that the Israelites used for the word "to know" is "yada" and that word means much more than the ability to understand or comprehend. It is an experiential sort of knowing which is attained through an intimate relationship. And all the while I can't help but wonder where that old me went that was so fearless and so hungry for revival and just for God. I was crazy for God. There were times when I felt like I was going to pass out because I would jump up and down in worship and sweat after fasting and praying all day and I would wake up early in the morning and beg people for rides so I could make it to morning prayer.

My favorite pastor was my old high school pastor. Every sermon he gave was different, but the main point was always Jesus. Seems pretty basic, but I've sat through many sermons where Jesus was just a footnote or the means to accomplish something. I go through so many ups and downs as everyone else does, but right now what I want more than anything is just Jesus. I just want his presence. I just want to yada his grace, love, joy, faithfulness, peace, patience, character.

Reading one sentence of the bible and applying it in my life would be more worth it to me than memorizing that entire book and still not knowing what its saying. I definitely need to come back to square one. The bible says "return to your first love and do what you did at first"

Seeing me the way God sees me

Acts chapter 10:1-48 describes a vision that God shows Peter concerning the Gentiles. He sees the animals that were "unclean" to eat and God says "Get up, Peter. Kill and eat (13)." After Peter protests he says, "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean (15)." Later Peter relates this vision to the gentiles by clarifying "But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean. So when I was sent for, I came without raising any objection (28)."

Apparently, it was wrong for Jews and Gentiles to speak, meet, or have any sort of association in this time period, an attitude that is assumed to have transferred to the early church. But God is faithful and reveals to Peter that he has opened up salvation to all of the world. Pastor Guy used this story to relate to us that often times there is a different sort of condemnation due to impurity that is prevalent among the church currently. The feeling that one's self is impure or unclean due to habitual sins or the "severity" of the sin. He raised this important question. If its not okay to call someone else "impure" or "unclean" or "unholy" why is it okay to call ourselves those things?

Sin is given way too much credit in my life because I let it become a much bigger deal than it is. I beat myself up repeatedly for the same wrong things I've done in my life or my inadequacy of overcoming my struggles. But when we do this, we look at Jesus who was mocked, tortured and killed for us and it means that that wasn't enough. But it really was enough. When he says it was enough it really was, when he says "It is finished!" it really is, and when he says "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean" seriously don't call yourself impure because God has made you clean through Jesus.

After service, he told us to tell our neighbor, "Did you know that I'm awesome?" and "Did you know that I'm Holy?" (because of Jesus). and I couldn't say these phrases without feeling like a liar. Because honestly, at this point in my life, I don't really believe them. And I feel like that's the wrong attitude, because then I'm letting the enemy guilt me into forfeiting my identity. I need to start seeing myself the way God sees me so that I can be free. Sins are bad and God hates sin, but his grace is SO much bigger. Its SO much greater. So we need to have a greater goal than to just stop sinning. Instead of being so focused on the sin, we need to fix our gaze on the savior.

Today was a good day (:

This summer I felt so spiritually dry and unhappy because I was so distant from God and as time progressed I started to understand why. I was being proud, self-glorifying, and lazy in my faith. I was struggling with something that I couldn't tell anyone about and trying to live and move without God's guidance. After that point I realized what I had been doing wrong, but I didn't know how to start getting better so I was stuck in my own poo, so to speak. However, after that season, I now believe I'm entering a new season of change. In summer I was stuck because I didn't drive and I didn't have any opportunities to show that I could change so I was in a slump, but I have recently been refreshed with a new school year and new insight.

I started watching Pastor Mike Bickle's series on the Song of Solomon and the biggest thing I got out of it is the fact that God calls us beautiful. Before we are even made into our heavenly bodies, he calls us beautiful because of Jesus. He said that we feel so dirty sometimes that we can't bring ourselves to approach God, even though He says that nothing can separate us from His love. We think to ourselves that we will return once we've cleaned up every mess in our lives, or once we make ourselves "presentable", and we fail because we do not possess the strength to overcome struggles on our own. I definitely struggle with that and I started shaking my fist at Him saying "God, you promised that in you there is freedom, but nothing's changing." And I realized that God is so good and He is so wise that He has such a bigger plan than just zapping all our troubles away. I felt this in my heart: He will not allow me to gain freedom without Him. He is a God and a daddy that keeps His word, but only by His means, and only to His ends. Through these struggles He's going to teach me that without Him and without the church I can do nothing. But in Him and with the church I can do all things.

One Sunday, the message was about encouragement and Pastor Guy said to "look for the gold in people" and afterward he told us to pray for the person next to us and ask God for "gold". The person next to me was Christian of course and I think he prophesied over someone for the very first time, and God told him that I have a huge heart for children. I had always believed this but was discouraged because my little angel Noah Johnson has been acting out and throwing tantrums and I didn't know how to respond, but he encouraged me to volunteer in children's ministry.

Last Sunday, Pastor Guy asked the congregation to raise our hands if we needed a job and I rose my hand. We all prayed and one or two days later I emailed about a job opportunity for Gymboree play & learn which is a facility that offers classes for children's growth and development. The next day they emailed me back and asked if I was available for a group interview. God answered my prayer! I attended the group interview today and it was amazing! I didn't have to lie or be fake anything because I felt so comfortable doing all of the activities the interviewer had us do. She said we would hear back in a week or two but about an hour later they called me to come to a second interview! A short time later the head of the children's department at church called to see if I could volunteer Sunday with no training whatsoever, she hadn't even reviewed my application yet, and she volunteered to be one of my references! God opened both of these doors to me today and I was filled with joy because he strengthened my faith through His faithfulness.

After this, I laid in bed for hours because I had been losing sleep from school. When I started getting up I started thanking God and I felt him saying that He put the desires in my heart because its His desire for me to pursue them. And if He desires me to do this, of course He will make a way for me to do it, but He won't do it the way I want it to be done. Again I realized that He does things on his terms, by his means, and only for his glory because. I had been so discouraged because I never had a chance at any job I applied for, but it was because God wanted so much more for me than I thought myself capable. The first door He opened was the perfect one for me and tomorrow is the second interview. I don't know if I'll make it or not, but it doesn't matter if I get the job or not because God is good and he is faithful and if he closes this door, he'll open another one but only if I listen to his voice, obey, and do it for his glory.

Lately

I haven't really been doing much of anything. While everyone else is busier than ever, I've just been at home wasting my life away like Repunzel wondering when my life will begin. I haven't blogged in a long time, mostly because I know that little to no one will ever read this but my old teacher got me back in simply because I need an outlet just to vent. This summer I spent my time doing the things that i'd normally do, but i feel so empty. i definitely need more Jesus. and i've been wanting to speak words of encouragement to my fellow classmates for a while now, but i need to get myself straight first. and I realize that i'm starting to lose self- control in my life. With the decisions that i make and the responsibilities that i hold (as if i ever had any) xD but for some reason its hard for me to find my way back. and one intense (real life) dog fight got me to understand that i am still afraid of what will become of my physical body. I am still afraid of pain. Which normal people usually are. However noble people will usually overlook that pain for something that matters much more, and i'm not there yet. i wish i was.

Today

Sux.

Heyyy Jess! (:

So basically I'm sitting in Horita's and i really should be studying for an econ test but the weather is SO nice out (: dang i feel so spoiled by the beautiful torrance weather today. haha i wonder how it is in irvine. probably not nearly as great. Cause anteaters thrive in horrible weather unfortunately o_o haha jk i have no idea on that one. OMG i bought Tangled on DVD!!! haha let's watch it together when you visit again. Hopefully I can visit with christian over Spring break. I'm gonna be gone till wednesday though :[ for SD. But we should definately go to Disneyland or something (: (: (: HAHAHA I lovah You!

Tangled

WAS SO CUTE!

I want it on DVD!

Dreams really do come true (:

So basically I went to Disneyland with Miss Horita and Christie on Sunday and we just decided to have a really chill day cause we weren't really feelin to much action on a school night :p So we went on Toy Story Mania, where I got an all time best score (: and then we went to pizza port where we had like a 2 hour deep talk. After that we went to Gibson Girl where we all got peppermint icecreams and we got a table there! one of my all time dreams and as we were eating and chatting, the fireworks started and everyone was crowded on Main Street so we couldn't see ANYTHING and I wasn't having it so I decided to walk through to see if I could either get a better spot or if we could find something else to do because we always go and it wouldn't really matter if we saw the fireworks or not. So I started walking and I guess they let you go around the crowd. So if the main crowd is watching the fireworks, they let you cut through it to get to other lands. So we went through the crowd and it was SUCH a nice view, and everyone was walking really slowly because they wanted to watch xD and as we went around the side, we travelled closer and closer to the castle and right at the finale we were standing right in front of the castle where I took this picture, AMAZING! and then we followed the flow of the crowd to Adventure Land, and right when we got there we heard that Fantasmic was showing, and I got to watch it for the first time, and we actually got a pretty close spot near the front on the left side near Haunted Mansion. It was SO COOL!! oh my gosh my favorite part was the Peter Pan fight and the princesses (:

I hope your having lots of fun in New York, sing Empire State of Mind for me while you're there! ahahha "in New Yooooorrkkkk concrete jungle make you feel brand new, these streets will inspire you"

I had this dream that you changed your major from math to Economy. It was really strange, and I don't recommend that you do xD haahaha.

This morning I woke up thinking "We need to kill the bees and the butterflies"
As in, I woke up and contemplated for a moment if I should go back to sleep or not
and I thought to myself, No, We need to kill the bees and the butterflies!
xD exciting right?

New Life and FCA are carolling this Saturday. I wish you could be there :[
We'll dedicate a song for you.

Big Fluffly Clouds (:

Jesus Reigns (:

Disneyland (:

Its really is a Small World. At least I thought it was until I had to walk around ALL day from one land to another xD haha all this world traveling really is tiring. JESS we definately we need to go together. Its all Christmas-y right now (: and its so cute and pretty and we need to pig out on icecream, caramel apples, and stuff. Let's go without the men haha i'm sick of double dates!

SPACE MOUNTAIN ---->

WAS OUTTA THIS WORLD ;]
LOOK AT CHRISTIAN'S

FACE!! puahahahaha

LOOK I HAVE THE SAME ANGRY FACE AS DONALD!

LOL this is what happens to me when I don't get my Jess time :p

JK this was from my Little sister's birthday party (: she's 6.

Oh Chuckie cheese. with its greasy food and games.

the temper tantrums and the overstimulation (: cool
The Call Was AMAZING!

8 hours straight of crying out

worship

and prayer for the great commission

to be fulfilled

and our generation. And revival.

My voice STILL hasn't returned xD

Hahaha so we just had a prayer meeting

and NO ONE showed up lol so me and Christian

just prayed together. It was fun (:

COME TO MEE! haha

its getting late

Halloween is so dumb now. I'm too old to go trick or treating, too lame to go to a crazy party and too young to actually do anything cool :p whatevs tho. I still got to be ellie that was cool (: but i'm wondering if anyone can really be like this. Up is so cute but its rediculous. It's gotta be the 1 out of a billion chance that you'd meet when you're kids and stay together through school and get married and grow old together through thick and thin. So if there are about 8 billion or so people on this earth, there are 8 couples(roughly) that could experience this. (haha i totally BSed those statistics ;] but i don't know i feel like marriage and real deep meaningful love is out of my reach and off in the distance as i feel with all other things. like becoming a leader, going to college, driving, and getting a job. I'm stuck. I need to experience life! All I do is sit around at home watching other people live it. But still i'm so scared. I feel like its all pipe dreams that they're all unattainable. Just need to break out of my shell. its 2 am and i have school in 6 hours. My body is begging me to go to sleep. but i really wanna allnighter. I feel like i could get so much done (:

what....?

I had the craziest dream ever ! So basically it all started out with I think it was 2 women and 1 man in my house and they were supposed to be demons so I start casting them out in Jesus name and I just say that they can't touch me and stuff but then they start hurting me and they won't go away so it was really scary and stuff but eventually they went away and someone came in and they asked if they were still there and I said no they left. and all of a sudden there was another demon or something and i was just like eh :[ and i woke up cause it was so scary but i was so tired that i went back to sleep and I felt like i had the same dream again! but different stuff happened. in the next dream i told brian about my dream! haha and we were outside and there were these giant sticks covered in fruit growing like right outside my house. and i went to my room i think and there was this lady there and i start telling her my name and she can't hear me and keeps telling me to repeat and i have pine needles in my mouth so i'm like, sorry i have pine needles and i start pulling them out. and then i go into the bathroom with Jae and he starts beating me up which was VERY SCARY! and i think that's all i remember. and the next night i had a dream that i was at the armstrong or something and there were like great performances and stuff and the whole crowd was jumping around and dancing. and i visited this girl or went to her house and she had like either a purple or blue cat and i was just like... that's weird. and she had SO MANY PETS (i think i was kinda jealous) and yea that's all i can remember. xD and Sara has been having really weird stuff happen to her. like she swears to me that on her way to school she saw this yellow umbrella walking around. who knows what it was, but i believe her and its like trippin me out! haha inception time!

UPDATES

I was Ellie from up xD haha gotta post the pictures later. Mrs. Lawerence wouldn't leave us alone cause she said we'd thank her later for the memories. She was probably right ;} The dentist was real quick! just had one cavity and he filled it right up (: the wedding was SO beautiful (: but there was some drama with one of the pastors at our church that ran it cause a lot of the guests were very worldy and too cool for school. They weren't into the message :[ but I hope that a lot of seeds were planted there. New Life is crazy, I've been focusing so much on praying and interceding spirtually for the club that I totally forgot about the actual planning! xD oops. But I'd rather have that problem than have a Christian club that is spirtually weak and dry. I think small groups are really gonna work this year thou (: i'm gonna have the leaders contact the people every week to see how they're doing and I wanna have weekly prayer seshes and stuff so its gonna be great once we get everything together xD So glad i've got Kristen, but she's in other clubs and stuff so its like :[ meh sometimes. but for the most part she's a lifesaver!

JESSICAAA!!

hehehe I love ur blog. and u jacked my cloud background >:[ but i forgive you.
my internet's down at my house so I'll try to use a different computer to get to u for now.
and I have pictures of my jackolantern/daughter Evangeline
and other stuff on Christian's phone so I'll tell him to email it to me
so I can show u xD hahaha how exciting
I feel like I'm on xanga again.
Lol sorry that my first few posts were really strange.
I don't think they'll get any normaler.
Lol i started this blog cause Tracy told me to ahha
I miss all the people that I used to follow on here. They all ditched me for tumblr but whatever
anyways. This week and month and everything is SO hectic urgh :[
have to finish making UP costumes by friday and stuff and finish all my school stuff
I think I have dentist this weekend BLEH :[
and I'm failing as New Life President :[ haha but i Know it'll be okay
cause Jesus is gonna be there so we'll be fine.
and I've been trying to draw closer to God lately
and I've been reading this awesome book OMG I need to tell u all about it
hahaha this post is all over the place huh?
I need to find my camera charger so I can show u
my life! Plus I am so unspirited and bad. Except i'm still doing all
my hw. JUST FOR U. haha jk I don't even know why I'm
doing it all. But love you!!
this post is also written in Horita's first period. xD ahaha!
BAD BAD TA

Grilled Cheesus

The episode of Glee called Grilled Cheesus really upset me at first because like most other popular shows, it seemingly viewed Christianity in a negative light. But once I got past how weird the songs were and the depressing stories of Coach Silvester and Kurt, it raised a lot of questions in me that I'm still figuring out. But its good to have to think about them. Now I'm in high school and I have friends that are gay and i'll never understand where Sue's coming from but their stories show the pain and bitterness that a lot of people have for God. I mean, the worst part was realizing that this is really how people feel. We need a change. This world needs some love. but it really touched me that Sue's sister said "God never makes mistakes." that was so powerful. I don't know, I guess the reason I bother posting this is because I love Glee so much and it was painful to see them just all running around like sheep without a shepherd. Even the people that kind of knew what was up like Miss Pilsbury and Mr. Shou didn't explain things clearly cause I don't think they've figured it out. Especially when Finn ended the episode so hurt almost feeling betrayed because he was decieved into believing the grilled cheese had magical powers. But I guess I'm going to give Glee another chance, and give all things a second look before I close myself off to what its all about.

Today

Was pretty good (:
i refuse to believe in "bad days" because no entire day can be filled with bad things every moment. Bad things happen, but I guarantee I can name way more things that were good enough to get through it. And I firmly believe that, but I still think my weekend was pretty lame :/ But i'm gonna look at the glass as half full and be happy :]

Reasons to Smile:
-Having Jesus because he's AWESOME (literally hehe) & he is love & he is everything to me
-knowing who my parents are. I know my dad can't say that.
-having a lot of people in my family
-assurance of a place to stay, a warm bed, and 3 meals a day
-people that love me for who I am
-freedom from what people think of me (for the most part)
-all of my arms and legs intact
-mental health
-the ability to juggle
-living with my cousins Noah and Aaron whom I adore
-being a "nuna"
-enough credits to graduate
-a clean record
-a relatively healthy body
-the best hat collection ever
-not having any allergies or asthma
-charisma
-being told that I am charming and unique by my peers
-singing in a choir
-singing ALL day
-prancing around
-feeding people
-"making art you can smell, music you can taste." - ratatouille
-knowing what love is
-having a sister that looks like me but is my opposite
-a best friend that is just as manly as me ;]
-when people remember my birthday
-when people tell me that I'm strong
-a well written greeting card
-worshiping Jesus like there's no tomorrow
-puzzles
-making someone's day (:
-making a difference in someone's life
-having my life flipped upside down
-eating cereal for dinner
-my grandmother telling me that my cookies are bomb diggity
-my grandmother smiling
-my cousin telling me that I handled myself well
-bringing flowers to new mothers every other weekend
-holding someone's bag of pee
-holding hands
-knowing my way around disneyland
-living for someone else
-making hard life decisions way beyond my maturity level
-crying a LOT and feeling all better and really lightheaded like i'm gonna float off into space
-being on stage
-finding four leaf clovers
-watching a kitten being born
-going to an opera and falling asleep
-old disney channel shows like Hey Arnold! and Doug
-having a red guitar
-the sky in Mexico
-picking up rocks for 2 whole days
-corsages
-picnics
-when someone surprises you and is actually a really great person inside
-my father's life
-running in the rain barefoot
-having cornrows
-que pictures on the back of your phone
-perfect strawberries
-friends that know what your saying when you talk with your mouth full and you just murmur unintelligibly
-never getting tired of watching Hercules
-when people hug me and I don't feel uncomfortable
-Christian's moldy lemon eyes
-chuck norris jokes
-the smell of rain
-when the sun is setting and the sky turns pink
-a circular rainbow around the sun
-the Glee episode "wheels"
-having hope
-knowing for certain where i'm going
-thinking about what God is doing
-jamming until you lose you voice
-living in the moment
-watching clouds and rolling down a hill
-naming fishes Atticus
-riding a bike
-not being addicted to Facebook
-a 3 year old boy that shouts your name every time he gets home whether you're there or not.
-a 3 year old boy that waits patiently in your room till you wake up fully
-using weird and outdated lingo and slang
-playing red light green light
-knowing what requited love feels like
-my mom telling me ghost stories about our house
-being able to fill someone's needs
-giving my favorite dress away
-being strong enough to do what I have to do
-learning the hard way
-learning the easy way
-someone who always picks up when you call
-a definite answer
-mole's willingness to be there for me
-sara's walls covered in collages that always change
-being given flowers from someone you love
-learning how to swim
-loving someone more than yourself
-yukari's perspective on life
-how christie LOVES everything
-a teacher that I know I can trust
-being spoiled by amazing mentors
-pruning
-making snow angels
-learning to be patient
-loving the unlovable
-being a loser
-when people treat you like family
-the sincerity of a child
-building a heart out of legos
-telling my mom i love her via bear
-playing checkers
-winning
-losing
-living life
-learning
-failing
-overcoming
-someone telling you its all gonna be alright and believing them
-realizing that you're gonna live
-realizing that life's worthwhile
-(infinity symbol would go here)




hahaha and the list goes on and on and on
because for every bad thing that happens there are an infinant amount of great things that happen.
just being alive, being young, the ability to breathe, and that the structure of our bodies don't cause us pain are like pretty amazing. and so is the God that made it all (: <3

Honestly...

Honestly, I really love blogging. I loved Xanga, Myspace blogs, tumblrs, facebook blogs, EVERYTHING. I love writing and I have this thirst to make a small dent in this world or be heard or make a difference, but I understand that I'm not very gifted or talented at anything. I know that this sounds emo and it makes me seem like I have really low self-esteem(which is probably a little true) but it's actually a very freeing concept. The pressure's off, and I read Ecclasseastes and I realize that life is meaningless, I'm still going to enjoy it for what its worth, but what is it truly worth, you know? and what makes it worth while? That's what I'm trying to search out for myself at the moment. Writing is a mode of keeping track and commenting for my own behalf and benefit so I can just keep pressing on and its great for what its worth: expressing myself, keeping my sanity a little, recording my thoughts that may prove important or what not, but I decided that it may possibly not be my career choice and I've made peace with it, accepted it, and I'm trying to move on.

So I look at other things, cause you know as a senior in high school all I can see in front of me is what school I'm going to go to, what I'm going to major in, my career path and how i'm going to get there, but I see it all from a different angle. From my perspective, I'm simultaneously trying to juggle being a full time student, with being a full time servant of God and it's the hardest thing ever. Can you imagine, if God showed you everything that was going to happen in your life in one day? I think about the day that I was saved and I can just imagine myself being told how difficult this walk actually is, how painful, miserable, and strenuous it gets. All the suffering I would endure for Jesus, and even the unneccisary pain for trying to go back to my old life. I would've probably been really emo for the rest of my life and maybe it would've made me wake up because it would show that there's nothing good worth living for anyway, but then I think about all the things that ran through my mind that night. How real God is, and how much I've missed and misunderstood, but mostly I was overwhelmed by God's love and for the first time I felt like I wanted to spend my life with Jesus and for Jesus. That's the important part I think, and it makes sense backwards but not chronologically because technically I was so devoted but I had no idea what I was getting myself into and it was the best decision i'd ever made although I would find out what it costs, and yet I would never regret it.

So I wonder what area of study or what field of work is truly worth spending my time, effort, and eventually my life for. I know that God has put these interests in my heart for a reason and I have all of these hopes and ambitions that I would like to see to fruition but some dreams I feel will always be dreams and nothing more. I know that it doesn't really matter what I do as long as I glorify God with everything that I do, and that's not really the part that concerns me but its just the reality that my whole life will pass me by in a blink and I feel like I'll have wasted it away on nonsensicle chasings after the wind. That's the whole issue though, that I won't be able to see it till I'm at the end.

Writers have the advantage in writing a story because they can see it as a whole and as a big picture. Nobody wants a simple plot that will be cliche and predictable because its not interesting or entertaining or even realistic. Although life may seem boring or tedious at times, in the scheme of things every life is extraordinary because within the amounts of breaths that you take there is so much that happens. So much to experience and learn and feel, yet to the characters in the story life is hard. Just as a maze is easier to figure out if you go from end to beginning, life in someways would be simpler that way too. But that's not how it works for us; we get the clues, the foreshadowing, the choices, and the forks in the road and we're never certain about the way we're going but its clear that we have direction and we get life in pieces so we won't screw everything up and it is good.

So I'm at the crossroads yet what do I do?
I really want my life to change but my flesh, my fears, my self-consciousness, my pride, myself gets in the way and it holds me back when I know that I was made for so much more.

up UP and AWAY! :]

up, up and away
through the clouds and through the days
flying past my fear of heights
leaving all my chains behind
reclaiming memories lost in time
i'm gonna make it all mine.

i'm leaving now this vessel
in which i roam about the earth
abandoning some things
i've held onto since my birth.
i guess you could say i never learn
i just run around in circles
awaiting the next turn.

i'm at a cross road,
that cliche place we all reach in our lives.
i don't even know what to do, where to start
or which path i think is right.
i'm just sitting here for hours
going down one way but not too far.
afraid that i'll get lost or found
or trip and break my heart.

there's just a lot of things
running all around my mind
but i can't run away this time
cause its more than just a board game
its LIFE and its coming at me like a drunk driver.
i can't even hide cause every time i close my eyes
i'm trapped again.
a caged bird singing tunes to pass the time.
but the words i sing don't even rhyme.

And this dang cold is breaking me down to luke warm
my heart is like hot chocolate poured out on the floor
i'm absorbing myself into fibers unknown
just trying to find my way back home.
but where that is, i'll never know
cause i sealed my heart in the cracks of cement
just in the crevices next to the grass that grows.
the mysteries there that are sown
that it can push through its tough environment
and become something of its own.

Now i'm just rambling
but this is just how i feel.
struggling with what's really going on and what's real.
reliving the days for the first time in my dreams
tearing the truth from its seams
angry and hurt at the way things seem
but making it somehow from what i believe.

DOWN
down
down
i've come back from the cloud
and back to reality dragged down by gravity
my balloon drooping and sagging
from lack of helium. or happiness.
but its just a stupid balloon its not me
and its my choice alone who i'll choose to be
i just want to be free and float up into space
but every balloon has to deflate. :[